The 5 “W” ?’s

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Have you been in a circumstance in your life that leaves you questioning and you ask the 5 W’s? I know I sure have. For a long time, I thought I was the only one who did this. Or, more recently, I thought I was done with this stage in my life. I’m brave, I trust Him, I will conquer, so no more need for these questions, right?? Right??
Ha! Who was I kidding?!?!

It was two weeks ago, and a good friend respectfully and unexpectedly told me she was pregnant. Needless to say, I was shocked!! Here I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend who knew my story, so she knew and understood that this would be hard news for me because of infertility. And I’m seriously trying as hard as I can to hold back tears.

Here’s my friend knowing that this news was hard, and was nervous about telling me because as my friend she truly cared about my pain and wanted to honor me in how she delivered this news. And as she’s telling me this news, in the midst of my shock, all I can think about is that God had shown me in the past that I needed to be very careful in how I responded to this news with others.

He showed me that as hard as it is for me to hear this news, it’s either just as hard or pretty darn close to be the friend or family member on the other side delivering the news. They desperately don’t want to hurt me, but want my joy for them. So knowing that, holding back the tears, I say, “I’m so happy for you!! That’s great news.” And hear me when I say this, if you’re reading this and you haven’t dealt with infertility, know that we truly are happy for you or those we care about and their joy of pregnancy. We are just so sad for us, sad that again another person we care about is pregnant and we still aren’t, sad that it seems this will never happen for us, just sad.

So back to my story, we go on and talk for a few more minutes about her pregnancy, and I couldn’t tell you now what we talked about because it’s all a blur now. She ends up leaving. And I immediately fall apart. Like the hardest tears I’ve cried in a long time, and they last for hours. Tears carry into my entire weekend. I didn’t know that a pregnancy announcement even still set me off. I thought I was past this. So mostly, I’m irritated and frustrated that this is even an issue for me. Have I started all over in this journey of waiting?

And then my mind starts wondering, again. And the 5 W’s begin. Who else around me will get pregnant before I finally get to start my family? What in the world is going on with my life? Why am I still waiting? When will I experience pregnancy and starting my family and when will my wait end? Where am I even headed?

It had me feeling so worn in the midst of this wait. Have you felt that way in a wait? Just worn from it all? (Before I continue on, I highly recommend the song Worn, by Tenth Avenue North. Check the video of the song out here.)

Then that Monday evening I was attending my support group that I lead. (Get more info about my group here.) And we were watching this video by Wendy Pope from her Wait & See study. The video can be found here. She references Psalm 77 and a few of the verses from that scripture.

First she directs you to look at the following verses:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

She reminds you to look at the Psalmist here, he was asking some of those same questions. He had doubts, he had impatience in the wait, he felt forgotten and rejected. I don’t know about you, but for me, that was comforting. If the Psalmist was feeling that way, surely its understandable that I would, too, right?

She goes on to these few verses:

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out
his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 “Your ways, God, are holy.
    What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
    you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.”

Do you see what the Psalmist is doing here? He’s remembering. What exactly is He remembering? He’s remembering who God is, and how God has been faithful. Wow. In the midst of this wait, instead of focusing on the 5 W’s, it’s time to start focusing on how God has been faithful.

I dare you to pull out a pen and paper and write down 3 things or areas where you’ve seen God faithful in your own life. It’s time to remember.